Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
