Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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