I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
