There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
