Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
