your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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