i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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