You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
