I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
