glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
