at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
