I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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