Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
