so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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