I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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