Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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