I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
