A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
