Taylor Swift is so right about you.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
