i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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