I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
