You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
