You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
