this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
