we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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