i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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