If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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