she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
