They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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