did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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