Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
