If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
