Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
