i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
