you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
