sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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