How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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