I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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