my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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