Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
