I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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