you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
