I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
