a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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