Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
