I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
