thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
