Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
