So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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