I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
